self-evaluation

Last Monday, our music director asked us to evaluate ourselves in terms of our contribution to the group. Are we the kind of person who really loves making music? Or are we there because we are forced to be there? Or is it because the idea that you are part of a famous group is very inviting?

I will not discuss in detail the events that took place before this assignment coined “self-evaluation” was given. But being obedient, I did my own little way of evaluating my contribution to the group.

So one evening, after dinner, I began exploring the possibilities, the what-could-have-been moments.

I missed choral singing. I missed performing. And I want to experience these two again.

However…

In terms of contribution in various engagements, I got 0. I was not able to join engagements because of my schedule. And working in Mintal is also a big factor that hinders me to be there on time. My class ends at 5:30 p.m. and usually, call time for engagements is always 6:00 p.m.

Attendance is worst compared to contribution. Lately, I had more absences compared to the previous months. I have to look into so many things in the office lately and giving 3 nights a week for rehearsals is getting more difficult considering my work load and location.

And I know how hard it is for our music director to face different people every rehearsal.

So I decided that perhaps I should rest for now.I believe that I will be a nuisance to the group if I force myself to perform half-heartedly. But I am more than willing to work for the group I love not on stage but off stage (for now).

***

I stopped performing in 2003 and decided to work behind the console. Now, I am performing inside the technical booth. Preparations for off stage performance (lighting design, set design, costume, props, script) is very different compared to how actors prepare for a play; in this context, musicians/singers prepare for a concert.

I get so excited everytime I have to think of a set design; and the level of excitement would gradually increase from thumbnail sketches to construction. I get so worked up with lights and its effect on the audience. I get worked up with details from colors to matching up costumes, accessories and lighting.

***

But then again, I still want to perform.

Hopefully, I will be given a chance.

***

Perhaps this is my little way of explaining myself. Perhaps this is my way of listening, evaluating and adjusting.

But to some, this is just plain excuse.

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